


All we are is all I am

by prototyping



Category: Tales of Zestiria
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, I will fight for this ship, Romance, and am gonna fic so muuuuuch, canon AU, even if I'm going the aromantic route with him in this one, fandom needs more of it, guess what I just played, innocent kisses and stuff, pure ship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-09
Updated: 2018-11-19
Packaged: 2019-03-28 22:55:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13913901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prototyping/pseuds/prototyping
Summary: Alisha has consented to a political marriage in the interest of peace. Like any young woman, she's nervous -- and like any good friend, Sorey’s determined to help ease her mind. Somehow. [Sorey/Alisha, slight canon AU.]





	1. What could have been

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sliiiight (I guess?? does it qualify as slight?) AU in which Sorey only sleeps for a few years instead of for-freaking-ever, because I want to pretend I can be happy instead of crying at the end of every dang Tales game.

“I've agreed to marriage with a duke in Pendrago.”

Sorey blinked across the small table at Alisha. She was still smiling, but she looked distracted with her distant gaze on her untouched cup of tea. “Many believe such a gesture will be paramount in resolving the remaining political conflict between the countries,” she went on. “And I agree.”

“Is-- I mean, congratulations,” he told her. “But are you… Is this really what you want?”

She crossed one arm over her chest distractedly. “Rest assured, I've given it much thought. I'm doing this of my own volition. I truly believe I can be of the most help to both countries in such a position.” She raised her eyes finally, and this confident smile was the one Sorey recognized. “Yes. This is what I want.”

The look was contagious and quickly had him beaming back at her. “I'm really glad for you, Alisha! I'm sure you'll do great. So what's this duke like?”

“Well…” She hummed thoughtfully as she tapped her chin. “He's a slightly older gentleman. Soft-spoken and very polite. I've only met with him a couple times, but he seems well-educated, and he’s highly involved with the political side of things in his city.”

“A couple times?” Sorey echoed. “That's it?”

Alisha nodded. “It's not unheard of. Growing up, I always knew there was a very real possibility of my marrying someone I had never met at all.” She said so casually, almost indifferently. “Perhaps this situation doesn't seem ideal, but… I am grateful for what it is. And that I am able to help in this way.”

Sorey gave a quiet, warm laugh. “That's definitely the Alisha I know. You haven't changed at all.”

She flushed slightly. “Three years isn't a very long time, I suppose…”

“I meant it as a good thing,” he assured her brightly. “And I'm sure you and your husband will really make a difference together.” Perhaps he imagined it, but he thought a peculiar shadow crossed her face as he said that. Before he could wonder, let alone ask, she answered cheerfully,

“I hope you’re right. At any rate, it means a lot to me to have the Shepherd’s blessing. Thank you for your confidence, Sorey.”

“It’s coming from your friend more than the Shepherd,” he told her warmly. “But anyway, I’m glad to see things have only changed for the better while I was out.” If Alisha thought three years wasn’t very long in the general sense, it had been nothing for Sorey. His sleep had been dreamless and peaceful, but he was glad it had gone on no longer than it did.

“Indeed. The pro-war revolts are nearly unheard of now.” She sipped her drink at last, her gaze turning to the window. Her bedroom faced the large and impressive garden behind her manor, perfect for observing while lost in thought. “Captain Sergei estimates the radicals are very few in number, and any who persist will be caught soon.”

“That's good.” Though unfortunate, being a problem to begin with. Rose had told him much the same, and at his confusion had explained that war had its advantages and opportunities for those sleazy enough to prey on them. Others were merely stirred to action by hatred. It had come as no surprise to her, at least, that some people would cling to such a dark and hollow purpose. “Sounds like Ladylake’s getting on just fine. But I was actually talking about you.”

Alisha blinked. “Me? Well… yes, I'm doing well. Although I’ve missed -- all of you,” she said after a short pause, looking away again with a small smile. “But with the threat of war over, and the kingdom doing as well as it is, I’ve had more time to myself than before. I’ve caught up with some old schoolmates, and have made some new acquaintances in Rolance…”

“Oh,” said Sorey suddenly, “hey, so -- will you be living in Rolance after you’re married? Or is he coming here?”

“We’ve yet to discuss those terms, actually. Given his role in politics there, however, I find it more likely that I will be the one to relocate.” Sorey’s expression must have spoken for him, because she offered him another confident smile. “I’m fine with that. I’ll still have my manor here, after all, and I’m sure we’ll travel back to Ladylake for business on occasion, at the very least.”

Sorey couldn’t help an admiring look. “Heh… I don’t know why I worry. You’re strong, Alisha. I know you’ll do fine.”

Her cheeks gained a touch of pink color again, her expression something a tad self-conscious. “Maybe. And yet… to be perfectly honest, I am a little nervous. For a few reasons.”

“About moving?”

“About the marriage.” As soon as she said it, Alisha seemed to regret her words. She shook her head, but this time her smile didn’t quite reach her eyes. “I’m sorry, Sorey. I don’t mean to weigh down this happy meeting with my silly worries.”

“No, it’s totally fine.” His expression was an earnest one. “If you wanna talk about it, I’m more than happy to hear you out.” When she seemed to study him for a few moments, as if weighing the possibility, he added lightly, “You’d do the same for me. But if it’s too personal, you don’t have to.”

She shook her head. “No, that isn’t it. It’s just…” She gave a small, meek shrug. “Frankly, I… I’ve never been… involved… with another person. So… this is all new to me, and a little intimidating, silly though it may be. It’s not something I can simply prepare for by training or studying, either, so…”

“Really? Princesses aren’t taught about that kind of stuff?”

“Well… normally, yes, I imagine. But…”

“Not you,” Sorey guessed with a kind look.

“Not me,” she agreed, sounding ashamed.

“Nothing wrong with that,” he said blithely. “And anyway, I’m definitely grateful that you studied the lance as well as you have. Knowing about marriage wouldn’t have mattered against hellions, would it?”

Alisha chuckled. “No, I suppose not. And like hellions, I imagine this is just something I’ll have to learn about as I go. Through experience.”

It seemed pretty out-of-place to compare the two, but Sorey gracefully withheld a laugh and only replied, “Yeah, I guess so.” Still, he didn’t feel right just leaving it at that. Alisha was worried, probably much more than she was deigning to show, and he hated the thought that he couldn’t help her. “But there’s probably _something_ you could do,” he mused. “Even if it’s just something small and simple.” _I’ve never been involved with another person,_ she’d said. Well, if that was the case--

\--then the answer seemed pretty obvious, actually. “Hey!” he proposed. “Why don’t you practice on me?”

Alisha blinked. “P-Practice?”

“Yeah! I mean, I know it’s not the same, but… if you’re new to that kind of thing, maybe you just need some practice saying and doing some stuff, so it’ll come easier to you later.”

“I… I suppose I can see the sense in that…” Her face began to color again, brighter than before. “But I… well… the things I’m talking about are…” She shifted her weight, taking a sudden and immense interest in the nearest wall. “Umm… When I said I’ve never been involved with anyone, I meant… in a romantic sort of nature, so…” He stared at her openly and curiously, which only made her blush deepen further when she stole a glimpse at him. “I only meant… that I’ve never been -- _physically_ affectionate with another before…”

It clicked. “Oh,” said Sorey simply. Then, a second later, “ _Oh._ Hmm.” Crossing his arms, he leaned back to stare thoughtfully at the ceiling. “So, you mean you’ve never--”

“No,” said Alisha quickly. She was back to staring at that wall.

He cocked an eyebrow at that, about to point out that she hadn’t even heard what he was going to say, but then refrained when he realized she was confessing to no experience at all. “Oh,” he repeated. “Well, that’s not a bad thing, I don’t think. I’ve never been into that kind of stuff, either.” Granted, it was kind of impossible when he’d grown up entirely around relatives for the majority of his life, but he’d never felt as though he was “missing” anything, anyway. The familial love of a dozen parents and a brother was more than enough.

Alisha nodded stiffly. “Indeed, I don’t think it shameful for unwed individuals such as ourselves to lack such experience. All the same, it’s…” She gave a quiet sigh. “Perhaps I’m overthinking things. As comfortable as I am talking to a crowd, a one-on-one relationship is something else. It’s a little…”

“Daunting?”

She nodded again. “Mm.”

“I don’t think that’s bad, either. It’s natural,” he told her casually. “But I guess that’s easy for me to say,” he added with a sheepish laugh, rubbing the back of his head. “I’m not the one getting married.”

“No, it’s quite alright. I appreciate your concern, and your offer to help all the same.” Alisha smiled at him, the same smile he was always glad to see: happy, genuine, warm, and relaxed. It made him twice as determined to help her, but he wasn’t sure how he could in this case.

Then again, maybe he was thinking too hard. She seemed flustered easily by the subject, but a little embarrassment never killed anyone -- and it couldn’t hurt to ask. “The offer still stands.” He dropped his arms for a more at-ease poise. “I mean -- I get what you’re saying,” he added quickly, “so yeah, this might sound weird, and I hope you don’t take it the wrong way. But if you mean you’ve never kissed anyone before, I think we’re good enough friends that it wouldn’t really be awkward, you know?”

He figured this was one of those things that would have Mikleo spluttering and blushing and stunned by his best friend’s bluntness. It probably was something most people would be embarrassed to talk about, but Sorey had always felt sort of disconnected from these things, and that hadn’t changed much since meeting Alisha. Just as he’d noticed how pretty she was long before now and wasn’t intimidated by it, he didn’t see any sense, personally, in being flustered by the thought of a kiss, especially from someone he knew so well.

Alisha clearly didn’t share the same comfort. Her mouth actually dropped open partway before she quickly remembered to close it, the pink hue in her cheeks spreading to her neck and forehead. “I-I… You would…?”

Sorey frowned, but it was a self-reprimanding look. “Ahh, sorry, sorry. That was definitely weird, wasn’t it? Mikleo’s probably right, I don’t really have a lot of tact when it comes to--”

“No,” she blurted. The objection was loud, probably louder than intended judging by how she winced. “That is -- no, it’s not weird. It’s…” Her smile was shy this time as she joined her hands over her stomach, staring at the tabletop. “It’s… really very sweet, Sorey. And… I’m honestly touched that you would… do something like that for me.”

 _It’s really not a big deal_ was the first reply to come to mind, but fortunately that sounded tactless even before it left his mouth. Instead, Sorey shook his head and assured her, “Anything to help a friend. But you won’t hurt my feelings if you say no,” he added with a chuckle. “That was pretty forward and all…”

“No, I… No,” she repeated more softly. “It was... just right for you, Sorey.”

He tilted his head. “Huh?”

“Nothing,” she said sincerely. She raised her head again and he noted that her blush had gone down quite a bit, although it was still glaringly obvious. “Anyway, I appreciate that you would offer something like that. And… I feel it would be terribly rude of me -- to refuse it in turn…”

“Hold on -- you don’t have to feel obligated,” he said seriously. “I didn’t say it to be honorable or whatever. If you don’t want to, you don’t have to. I just thought it might help if…”

“I know how you meant it.” She matched his tone, even if her small, awkward smile offset it a little. “Which is why I appreciate it all the more. I admit, I’m… nervous, and terribly unskilled when it comes to such things, but… Truly, you… are the one person I wouldn’t mi-- That I would trust -- in such a situation.” Despite the effort it was taking her, she forced herself to meet his eyes again. “And if I can’t be comfortable with you, I’m not sure whom I _could_ be comfortable with. So… as selfish as it is for me to accept your generous offer… I’m... alright, if it’s you, Sorey.”

That earnest, purehearted faith in him… It was almost enough to make him feel awkward in turn. The smile he answered with was proof of that, equally small and a little crooked. “Okay… but if you change your mind, that’s fine. Just say so.”

She nodded, her blush and her smile going nowhere.

Stepping around the table, he offered his hand to her as he had done many times before. Alisha took it without hesitating and stood, letting him guide her over to her cushioned window seat. It was easily wide and deep enough for two people, and seemed more comfortable than just standing, so he waited for her to settle on her knees before sitting cross-legged in front of her.

“Like I said, I’m new to this, too,” he reminded her. “So backing out or laughing at me are both fair game.”

The (half-)joke made Alisha chuckle and some of the tension eased from her shoulders. “I’m certain I’ll do no such thing. But the same goes for you.”

He nodded with a grin. “Fair.”

Sorey moved a little closer, until their knees were almost touching, and hesitated there with his fists on his thighs. He wouldn’t have said he was nervous, necessarily, although his stomach did feel light. The pause was to consider how best to start -- because he would definitely be the one to initiate, with Alisha already doing her best to be forward as it was. It took only a few heartbeats to decide, and then he gave her a warmer smile -- reassurance, comfort, confidence, trust.

He took her hand again in a patient, unassuming gesture. Unlike previously, however, he began to remove her glove, tugging lightly at each fingertip to loosen it, and then slipping his fingers under the cuff to slowly work it down over her palm, her knuckles, until it was free. He lifted her hand to shoulder-height, and then leaned forward to kiss the back of it.

It was a tender, lingering kiss, intended to help her adjust to the feel of him in _that way_ before they went any farther -- and perhaps it was a better idea than he'd realized, since she inhaled sharply and he felt her twitch in surprise. Watching her through his bangs, he kissed her hand again, this time along her fingers, just below her knuckles, and a more pronounced blush flooded her face as she pressed her lips together, the twitch in her body now a light tremble.

“Sorey…” As quiet as the word was, she sounded surprised and curious as she watched his face intently. He met that stare unabashedly, waiting for any kind of sign that she wanted out of this after all. Slowly, almost cautiously, Alisha raised her free hand to settle it against his cheek. Her thumb swept over his cheekbone a couple times, and then her fingers trailed softly down to only just miss the corner of his mouth. She hesitated, but then feathered her touch over his lips, her breath noticeably catching for a couple beats. The thin, lacy fabric did little to obstruct the warmth of her skin.

She did the same down his throat, up the side of his neck, along his jawline and forehead. Simple, curious touches that her bright eyes followed over every inch, and which he patiently permitted without interruption.

He'd never been touched like this -- examined, studied, explored -- and while it was new, and a little odd, it wasn’t unpleasant. Neither did it make him falter or even feel all that self-conscious. All of this was new to Alisha, so Sorey didn't feel like she was scrutinizing him. He had given her the chance to become familiar with another person like this, no strings or embarrassment attached, and she was taking full advantage of it.

When she withdrew, her previous tremble quelled and her confidence back in swing, he took that as indication to keep going. He began to raise his hands, but stopped again just as quickly as he reconsidered, and instead removed both of his own gloves, as well, and set them aside. When he looked up again, Alisha was blinking curiously at the gesture, but his reasoning was probably made clear when he reached forward and gently took her face in his now-bare hands.

He’d noticed before that her skin looked soft, but he never imagined it would be _this_ smooth and pleasant to touch. As often as he had held hands with Natalie and Myrna and the other Elysian seraphim as a child, as many times as he’d casually touched Mikleo, this was different. Not only was touching Alisha new (he’d never touched her like _this_ , skin-to-skin) and unfamiliar (she wasn’t family), but it was also… different, very different, in a way he couldn’t quite place. She felt… more natural than a seraph, somehow. More comfortable. More _right._

As often as he’d exchanged contact with Rose, even that wasn’t really comparable to this. Rose was casual and playful, brief and to-the-point; Sorey never really had the chance to notice what she felt like, let alone linger on it like this.

Fair and delicate, Alisha’s skin gave readily under the slightest pressure from his fingers. His hands, in contrast, were calloused and rough from years of climbing and creating and sword handling, and hardly seemed fit to touch something so… _pristine_ in comparison.

He held her with the same care he would have given to handling glass or a priceless relic, slowly and gently tilting her head back as he leaned closer. Her skin flushed warmly under his touch, but she didn’t object or pull away or give any other sign of refusal. Once he was confident he wasn’t going to do something as dumb as _miss_ , Sorey let his eyes fall closed -- since that was ideally how this kind of thing went -- and with the same cautious care touched his mouth to hers.

It was kind of clumsy and still managed to fall a little off-center. Being his _first_ kiss, he also hadn't thought very far beyond this point, so for a few seconds neither of them moved. Then he drew back a little and kissed her again, and this time Alisha responded with a gentle push back.

It was… a new sensation, Sorey noted. He wasn’t sure _strange_ was right, since that made it sound bad, but he didn’t know what he had expected it to feel like in the first place. Another’s mouth against his own was foreign, unusual, and he could immediately understand the intimacy associated with it: the proximity and trust that it required between the two involved notwithstanding, it obviously promoted synchronized cooperation of a certain degree, as well -- not to mention the mouth was, it turned out, unexpectedly sensitive. Alisha’s return kiss sent goosebumps over his skin and a pleasant warmth down his spine. As light and considerate as her movements were, the nerves in his lips tingled under each one and quickly ached for the next in every brief pause.

Her lips were even softer than her skin, if possible, and tasted vaguely of the peppermint in her tea. This close, Sorey realized there was a light, clean scent to her skin, something nice and flowery, and for a short time -- a few seconds, a few minutes, he couldn’t say -- his senses were overloaded with everything she had to offer: that calming fragrance, her warm breath on his skin, her mouth sliding over and around and caressing his own, the way her quick inhales would sometimes tug his lip between hers, her palms coming to rest on his chest--

He was still leading, still the only one acting directly -- that wasn't to say he was knowledgeable or even confident about this, but he was approaching it with the same all-in and curious attitude that he did with everything. Despite some increasingly eager urges and new, unfamiliar sensations, he hadn’t lost himself in the moment, at least not entirely. A part of him remained detached and objective, observing and analyzing and cataloging every feeling and reaction in himself as well as every gesture and response from Alisha. This was about her, after all, and helping her to become more comfortable. So after what Sorey guessed was a few more minutes, and he had more or less gotten a grasp on how this worked and what to expect, he began to withdraw a little. He didn’t back away, but he slowed down his movements, stalled his kisses, and gave her some more obvious openings to act on her own, should she want them.

At first she didn’t. She slowed down along with him, although her fingers curled into his shirt and held on. Other than a couple brushes of her lips, she didn’t kiss him again, but she still didn’t pull away. Sorey started to speak, realized he wasn’t sure what to say, and instead just touched his forehead to hers, letting their hot breaths mingle as they panted softly.

Once his heartbeat wasn't quite so loud in his ears, he nuzzled the inside of her cheek gently with his nose, his lips ghosting over her skin but not properly kissing just yet. He did the same along her brow and down past her ear -- learning her face by touch as well as he knew it by sight, much as she had done moments ago. That was probably a little beyond what he had been called to do here, but he didn’t want to put her on the spot by simply waiting. Her eyes were still closed when he chanced a glimpse at her, but he could tell she was smiling.

Perhaps that helped. Her hands found his shoulders, and then after a few heartbeats the sides of his neck, his jaw, which her thin fingers traced up and around, quietly jingling his earrings before slipping into his hair. He reflexively leaned into her a bit as she began to comb through it, something about that simple motion so tender and intimate that it momentarily took his breath away even more than their kisses had.

Alisha took the initiative now. She restarted their kiss, still a little shy and uncertain, but when Sorey responded in kind she grew bolder. The fingers in his hair tightened slightly, pulling him down to let her kiss him more deeply. He braced his hands against the cushion on either side of her hips, a motion that put him flush against her, but she only turned her head to compensate and didn’t miss a beat. As small and dainty as she looked, she held his weight easily -- which, Sorey mused, was a good metaphor for Alisha in general.

She sighed, quietly and shakily, as their latest kiss ended, and took a moment to simply linger in place with him. Her thumb caressed the back of his neck, a comforting gesture rather than sensual, and he leaned into her a little more, trusting and content.

When the silence and stillness stretched on, he opened his eyes to look at her. Hers were still closed, but her expression was distracted and thoughtful. He nudged her nose with his own and smiled when she looked at him, as if he were about to speak -- but he only broke into a grin before suddenly leaning down and pressing his face into her neck, his smile into her skin, and heard her laugh as she rocked backwards.

“Sorey--!” She clung tight and pulled him with her. The wall caught her before she could go too far, but she still ended up at enough of an angle that he leaned over her. She laughed as he continued to nuzzle her, entirely playful now. When he clamped his lips lightly on the side of her neck and blew, breaking the quiet atmosphere with an obnoxious noise, Alisha actually jumped with a good-humored shriek, incidentally pulling his hair, but he wrapped his arms around her middle to hold her in place as he did so again, earning another ticklish laugh.

She wriggled to the side and Sorey immediately loosened his already slack grip, not intending to trap her if she really wanted out, but Alisha kept her arms around his neck and pulled him with her. He caught himself on his forearms as the two of them went entirely horizontal, keeping most of his weight off her but still giving himself ample room to attack her neck again. She pushed at his shoulders as she broke into frivolous giggles, but her strength was half-hearted and playful, so he kept at it. 

Once he'd left a few pink spots on her skin and her laughter was starting to wear down, he relented. Dropping his forehead onto her shoulder, he heard her sigh in a content, amused sort of way.

Her hands returned to his hair, now in absent strokes. He enjoyed the gentle massage for a couple quiet minutes, and then she slipped her arms under his and over his sides to grasp his shoulders, simply holding him. The temptation was there to set his weight down and just lie on top of her to relax completely, but he resisted. He was naive in a lot of ways and indifferent to a lot of things, but even he knew the kind of boundaries that would begin to cross.

Instead he lifted his head and looked at her. Her face was still flushed, but her eyes and easy smile said she was much more relaxed than before. That had been his intention and his hope in lightening the mood as he had, so it seemed he'd accomplished that much.

Alisha met his gaze straight-on this time, even if she did still look a little coy. Leaning up, she kissed him lightly and fondly once, twice, and then did the same to his top lip, the corner of his mouth, his jawline. Something about that tender, featherlight touch was more… _interesting_ than even the deepest of their kisses had been, tempting Sorey again to press himself closer, but he ignored the urge.

From there Alisha trailed down to press another easy kiss under the curve of his jaw, just above his throat -- at which Sorey’s arms buckled and he made an involuntary, guttural sound that even he didn't recognize. It startled him almost as badly as the sudden, raw flare of heat in his stomach.

Alisha drew back in an instant, looking concerned. “I’m -- I’m sorry, did I--?”

He cleared his throat and shook his head, abruptly aware of how warm he felt, inside and out. Naturally cold-natured as he was, it was a strange feeling. “No -- no, you're -- fine--” His voice managed to break in three different places. Even when he controlled it again, it still sounded huskier than normal. The surprisingly sensitive spot on his skin still tingled. “I just -- you -- surprised me,” he said lamely. “Sorry.”

She gave him a sympathetic look, and then a teasing smile. “Ticklish?”

“Something like that.”

Chuckling low in her throat, she began to massage his shoulders beneath her light grip -- and try as he might, Sorey couldn’t withhold a small, satisfied groan. “That… feels nice,” he murmured, setting his forehead against her again. She kept at it without a word, her fingers strong but gentle and wonderfully adept at working out the lingering fatigue and aches from his journey here. She worked inward, across his shoulder blades to the middle of his back, and then down his spine, prompting him to relax more and more and earning a couple more pleased sounds.

By the time she reached his hips and paused, he was lying on top of her, after all -- and when Sorey realized it, he snapped out of his stupor and lifted himself off of her with a strangled noise. “Sorry! I’m sorry, I didn’t--” Her arms had quickly tightened around his waist, preventing him from going too far. When he blinked at her, Alisha colored a little yet again.

“It’s all right. It… feels nice,” she said quietly, echoing his words from before. He wavered, but only for a moment before setting his weight back down. He heard her inhale, quick but heavy, and her eyes darted rapidly over his face -- but her only response was to begin rubbing and stroking his back again.

He settled into the crook of her neck, his forehead against her quickened pulse and his breath on her collarbone. They lay like that for a while, although again it was hard for Sorey to guess how long.

“Sorey,” said Alisha at length, hesitantly.

“Hm?”

Her hands slowed to a stop. “...You’re not the type to get married, are you.”

For a couple seconds that seemed like a completely random statement, until he remembered why they were in this situation to begin with. “Huh? Oh. Uh…”

“I’m sorry -- if that was too personal…”

“No, it’s fine.” Lifting himself off of her, Sorey moved over and up to lie beside her. Close enough to still enjoy the warmth of her body, but at a (slightly) more casual distance, and now at eye-level. “It’s not really something I’ve thought about,” he admitted, folding his arm under his head. “Never really had the reason or opportunity to.” Granted, he was still young, but he knew what he wanted to do with his life -- had known for a long time -- and he didn’t see a place for something like romance anywhere in those plans. He wasn’t opposed to it, but it was something he’d done perfectly fine without up to now, which was perhaps why he was so indifferent to the idea.

Even now, lying next to a beautiful girl with whom he’d just been rather intimate, he wasn’t nervous or bothered. As pleasant and enjoyable as those touches and kisses had been, his blood was already cooled and his heartbeat back to its usual steady rate. He wouldn’t object to more of that intimacy, since it was Alisha, but he didn’t crave it, either.

“But when I think about where I’ll be sixty or seventy years from now, I admit that’s not something I picture,” he went on with a one-armed shrug. “But I dunno. Things happen, so maybe.”

Alisha watched him as he spoke, and then turned her gaze back to the ceiling when he finished. “Hmm.” A slow smile turned the corner of her mouth, although he thought it looked a little wistful. “When you put it that way, I can imagine it, as well. As long as you have ruins to explore and Mikleo to keep you company, you’ll always be content as you are.”

“Not just Mikleo. Every friend I’ve made along the way.” He took hold of her hand, prompting her to glance at him curiously. “I want to see the world, but that’s just the beginning of my story. Just like this marriage is going to be the start of yours. I know things can’t stay exactly the same -- that’s not how life works -- but they don’t have to.” He gave her a bright, confident smile. “We’ll adapt and grow with those changes. And no matter what, I’ll always call you my friend, and I’ll always make time for you. I promise you that, Alisha.”

Sorey expected or at least hoped for a cheerful response, so he was startled when he saw tears welling up in her eyes. He stared at her, confused and concerned. “Alisha?”

“Mm--” She gave a shaky little laugh as she turned away, wiping at those tears before they could fall. “I’m sorry. I’m -- not upset, I’m just… happy.” She certainly didn’t _sound_ like it, but Sorey gave her the benefit of the doubt. Girls were turning out to be even more of a mystery than he’d thought.

Her grip on his hand tightened, however, and she nodded once, firmly, as she cleared her throat. Something about that seemed like she was reassuring herself more than Sorey as she replied, “Yes. You’re right. Changes are a part of life, but that doesn’t mean we can’t make the most of them.” She turned to him with a tired smile and a searching look. “...I’m sorry, Sorey, for pulling you into my personal matters like this. I’m thrusting all my problems upon you again -- and once again, you didn’t hesitate to help me.”

He leaned up on his elbow to look down at her, thoughtful and silent for a few beats. “Well… I’m _not_ sorry,” he told her with a mischievous smile. “I don’t have any regrets. So unless I was really _that_ terrible,” he teased, “don’t feel bad about what’s happened.”

Alisha gave a gentle laugh, the last of that solemn air disappearing -- for good this time, he was willing to bet. “No, it was nothing of the sort. You were…” That pink shade returned to her cheeks. “You were amazing,” she said softly.

Since this began, that was the first time that Sorey effectively, truly felt embarrassed. He felt some heat trickling into his own face despite his efforts to play it off. “O-Oh -- well -- nah, I’m just -- I mean, _you_ were…”

With another warm laugh, Alisha took his face in her hands and kissed him again. There was nothing shy or unsure about this one: it was deep and firm and confident, as if she had kissed him a thousand times before. And yet the way they both took their time, slow and lingering as though reluctant to let it end too soon, was a sign that they knew this one would be their last.

Sorey gasped when they finally parted, breathless and sheepish as he smiled at her. Judging by the pace of her breathing, she was feeling much the same. “Still sorry?” he asked.

Alisha hesitated, opened her mouth to speak, and then appeared to change her mind as she closed it again and shook her head, smiling back. “No. Not for this.”

Sorey withdrew and stood up, and then offered her a hand to help her do the same. “So,” he said cheerfully, as if the interruption to their initial conversation had never happened, “when is this wedding of yours, anyway?”

“Not for another month. But both Hyland and Rolance will be celebrating in the weeks leading up to it, as a way of promoting the union and keeping the spirit of peace alive among the people.” Despite her matter-of-fact tone, Alisha sounded embarrassed. Noticing his look, she added uncomfortably, “It’s… a bit much, but I’ll be so busy with planning that I suppose I won’t notice.”

“Heh, I’ve seen you handle worse than this.”

She looked pleased by his confidence, but still replied, “I don’t know about that. Political gossip is one thing. Having the details of my personal life discussed as the topic of public interest is another.” She shifted her weight. “But I suppose that’s an inevitability of any public figure,” she reasoned. “It was bound to happen sooner or later.”

“But you’ll have someone to bear the weight with you. And if you ever need someone else to lend an ear, I’m glad to.”

“Thank you, Sorey. But you have much more interesting matters to attend to than a girl’s boring tales of home life.”

He grinned. “Oh, I dunno. Something normal might be a nice break every once in a while.”

Alisha laughed. “Normal for whom?”

As they often did, they parted ways on her patio. She lingered at the top of the steps as he descended, turning around at the bottom to smile up at her. “Mikleo and I are heading out soon -- we’re thinking of starting with the northern territories. But we’ll be back for your wedding. I’ll make sure of it.”

Folding her arms behind her back, Alisha smiled like her namesake. “That means a lot to me, Sorey. I’ll save you both a seat of honor.”

He gave an enthusiastic nod. “Great! We’ll see you then! Take care, okay?” As he turned to depart, Sorey made a mental note to tell Mikleo as soon as he was able. He didn’t entirely trust himself to remember a date, even a very important one, when ruin-exploring was involved; his best friend had an impressive biological clock, so Sorey would probably be depending on his memory in the next few weeks.

As she had done many times, Alisha watched Sorey’s back until he was out of sight. Only then did she dare let her smile falter and her shoulders slump. Only then did she run her fingertips over her lips, briefly and gingerly, half-afraid of spoiling the memory of his touch. Only then did she sigh, heavy and sad.

“I don’t regret what happened today,” she whispered to her empty yard. To herself. “I only regret not telling you the truth.” A sad smile fought against the lump in her throat. “But now… now I know it’s for the best.”

_And I know I can make your heart race as fast as you've made mine. That’s enough for me._

_It has to be._


	2. What is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is definitely pretty late, but I decided to finally do a second chapter for this fic since the original was so well-received. It was also my first fic for this canon, so thank you to everyone who kudos'd and commented and encouraged me to keep on writing for it! Hopefully this update isn't too late to still be of interest lol.
> 
> A third and _final_ final chapter may happen, depending on whether I can make something of the small idea I have for it, so we'll see how it turns out!

“So how’s the married life?”

It was the question Alisha had been expecting sooner or later. There was hardly a moment’s pause before she answered with a smile, “It’s going well. Honestly, I’m surprised by how little some things have changed.”

Granted, it had only been five months since her marriage to Duke Senarra, but after the biggest changes—calling a new place home, taking a new name, and adjusting to life at someone’s side—many of her day-to-day happenings remained generally the same.

It had been four months since she last saw Sorey, who had kept his promise and attended the extravagant wedding with enthusiasm and well wishes for her happiness. Her friend now beamed at her as they walked through the market of Pendrago, looking genuinely glad upon hearing her reply. “That’s pretty good, right? Not having to deal with too much change must have made the culture shock easier.”

She nodded. “Mm. I became familiar with much of Rolance during my efforts with Captain Sergei. Actually relocating here is something else, but… it hasn’t been a bad experience by any means.” Alisha feigned interest in a stall as they passed it, an excuse to turn her face away from him entirely in case her expression didn’t match up to her tone.

“That’s great to hear, Alisha.” Sorey’s tone was a happy one, off-setting what was otherwise a serious remark, but she knew it only meant he was truly passionate about what he was saying. “You looked so composed and professional during the reception, but I gotta admit—” He rubbed the back of his neck, sounding sympathetic. “—I was a little worried for you.”

He didn’t say why, but Alisha understood—and she was glad he wasn’t specific. Doing so would have alluded to the last time they met before the wedding, and that… wasn’t something she wanted—or needed—to think about any more than she did already, especially in his presence.

She hoped her hesitation came off as embarrassment when she replied sheepishly, “I’m glad to hear I looked confident. Truthfully, I was so nervous I could barely see straight.”

“Trust me, I don’t think anyone noticed.” 

They crossed into the Knights’ quarter, eventually making their way up onto the rampart that overlooked the barracks on one side and the main street on the other. They were alone up here, above the din of the passersby below, and stopped to look out over the city while they talked. Sorey leaned on the wall with arms folded, looking relaxed, but Alisha noticed his eyes flicking over everything with concentrated interest: the road, the people, the skyline, the buildings. It seemed like a reflexive or absent action, however, since he easily kept up with their conversation.

“—and so as part of the Council, I’ll still see a fair amount of travel for a while yet,” she was telling him. “The peace treaty may be complete on paper, but it will require an active effort to maintain.”

“I see. I guess you can’t officially settle down just yet, huh?”

She chuckled and agreed, “Not yet. But I’m in no hurry. I confess I never really stopped to put much thought into ‘wife’ as a potential path in life, so it’s difficult to imagine myself staying home. I’m not sure what I would do with so much time.”

“Well, it’s not like you’d be alone for long,” Sorey pointed out. “You’ll probably have kids soon, right?”

That question came out of nowhere. Alisha colored slightly, turning aside and clearing her throat to momentarily stall as she scrabbled for a response. Sorey tilted his head, puzzled. “Oh—is that... something... that’s probably none of my business?” he guessed, watching her for a sign. It was a genuine question asked in genuine confusion. He was being logical, as always, and didn’t see why the inquiry could be offensive.

“N-No,” she stammered. “That is—I just wasn’t expecting—it’s alright,” she surmised quickly, glancing down at her hands. “It’s a fair assumption to make. But… no, I’m not… currently…” She trailed off. She was in no particular rush to have children, either, but the opportunities had been few since her wedding night, anyway. The duke was still a major political figure; even when he wasn’t away for a last-minute summoning on behalf of the emperor, he worked many late nights. He always made it up to her at the next opportunity, inviting her to a play in the city or a ride through the pastures, and then holding a quiet dinner for both of them to catch up on one another’s happenings. He was kind and attentive, generous and thoughtful, even in the chaos of his busy schedule. Most noblewomen could have asked for little more.

And yet…

Sorey’s awkward chuckle interrupted her thoughts. “I’m sorry. That’s not really something that ever comes up back home, so... I’m not really sure what’s… appropriate, I guess. As bad as that sounds.”

Alisha shook her head. “Please, don’t worry about it. It’s not a strange thing to ask; it’s just that I… haven’t given much thought to it myself.” That much was true.

“Fair enough,” he reasoned brightly, clearly unfazed on his side of the conversation.

He turned back to the wall, back to looking over the city, and Alisha studied his profile. Part of her still found it strange that he didn’t seem to have aged a day in three years, but she was mostly glad he hadn’t, glad that the ordeal had been kind to him and preserved him in time rather than stealing it away from him.

She was glad. Glad for him.

Her fingers tightened around her wrist.

Alisha wondered if he ever thought back to that day, six months ago. That late morning and friendly meeting that had been just like any other, right up until he made the most unusual offer—and, what was more, she accepted.

She wondered if he remembered it like it was yesterday, if he recalled her touch and her warmth and her shy smile and her low voice. If he remembered the taste of her when he tried, her weight in his arms, her breath on his skin.

She wondered if it had changed how he thought of her.

She wondered if he regretted it—either wishing it had never happened, or that he had done more to keep it from ending as abruptly as it had.

She wondered what he thought and how he felt about it in hindsight—if he thought or felt anything at all. As she watched him now, cheerful and curious and outspoken and warm, the same Sorey she had known since the fateful day he found her and extended his hand to her, no questions asked… Alisha knew he hadn’t changed. He was too transparent, too open, too honest to be hiding the same turmoil of feelings that she was.

She wondered what that said about her.

“—Alisha?”

She blinked out of her thoughts and turned to him, finding his expression puzzled and concerned. “Y-Yes—I’m sorry. What were you saying?”

His stare made her uneasy and it was all Alisha could do not to fidget. Sorey was so sincere that it made her worry he could see right past her face and into those thoughts just now. When the pause lingered, she turned away, but she knew her frown made the glance anything but casual as she looked down over the street again.

Sorey leaned against the wall to try and catch her eye. “...Alisha.” She didn’t budge. “Is something wrong?”

“No. Nothing’s wrong.”

“Then... why won’t you look at me?” He said it gently, not as a demand.

After a few long seconds, Alisha raised her head to glance at him—but only briefly. That split-second was all he needed. “Alisha… If you really think it’s none of my business, I’ll leave you alone. But if there’s… If you want to talk—about anything—I’ll listen.”

It was taking Alisha everything she had to remain as neutral as she was, but she knew the mask was quickly cracking. Sorey’s kindness, his warmth and thoughtfulness, were only making this harder.

“It’s… It isn’t that,” she managed slowly. “I just… There’s nothing to be done about it. So there’s no sense in complaining.”

He touched her shoulder and she immediately wished he hadn’t. It was hard enough seeing him again, being this close to him again—she hated feeling that way, hated herself a little for feeling that way, for putting this shadow on their friendship—and actually feeling him again, however lightly and casually, was the hardest to bear yet.

“Even if there isn’t,” he said quietly, “it might be worth the trouble if you need to get something off your chest. Besides—” He tried again to lean into her field of view and this time Alisha relented—and immediately wished she hadn’t, because that gentle smile of his hurt more than any physical blow could have. “—maybe together, we can think of something. Two heads are better than one.”

It was a cruel place to be in. On the one hand, Sorey was the only friend she really felt comfortable confiding to about something so personal—but on the other, it was out of the question when he was at the center of her emotional tempest.

She _couldn’t_ tell him. She couldn’t let him know that his compassion and concern for her had backfired, terribly, and left her with a throbbing ache instead of a twinge, a cold longing in place of what had once been curiosity. She wouldn’t put him in a place to feel guilt or regret for her sake. She wouldn’t tarnish their friendship further by making him feel as awkward as she did.

So Alisha returned the smile, even though she knew it fell short of totally genuine. “Maybe,” she conceded halfheartedly. “Even so… I think this is something I need to figure out alone. Otherwise I might find myself in a similar place later on… and as much as I appreciate your kindness, Sorey, I can’t keep burdening you so.”

Sorey watched her studiously for a few seconds, but it felt like minutes. In the end he was apparently satisfied by that answer since he nodded, his cheerful expression returning. “Okay. But if you change your mind…”

She nodded. “Yes. Thank you, Sorey.”

* * *

They parted as cheerfully as they’d met up, with promises to talk again before he left the next day. Alisha smiled as she watched him go, refusing to let it fade until she was certain he had turned the corner.

The walk back to her manor was a lonely one despite being surrounded by people. _Her_ people, the people of Rolance, now as much her responsibility as Hyland’s had been for most of her life. Seeing them going peacefully about their day-to-day business was a happy reminder of how fortunate the countries were, as well as her own blessings.

And yet.

Alisha took her time in returning home, making distracted rounds about the city despite being off-duty for the day. She considered stopping in and speaking with Sergei—only to reject it when she considered that Sorey might have had the same idea; she almost checked in on the clergy in the shrine church, a relationship she had been diligently working to mend as a knight—but discarded that thought, as well, for the same reason.

Pendrago was a large city, however, with plenty of distractions. Alisha kept herself busy until sundown—she was in no hurry to return to an empty manor—at which point she gave into her idleness and headed back towards the nobles’ quarter, resigned to face the memories she wanted no part of but at the same time couldn’t forget.

She was staring up at the wrought-iron gate wrapped around her courtyard, lost in thoughts she knew she shouldn’t be, when a call caught her by surprise.

“Alisha!”

Perking up at the familiar voice, she had barely turned around when Rose broke from a run to a halt just out of arm’s length, smiling brightly. “Hey, Miss Duchess!”

“Rose!” Alisha’s smile was lighter than what she’d been able to give Sorey. For this moment, at least, she could push her troubles aside. “Sorey didn’t mention you were visiting, as well.”

“That’s because I’m here on Sparrowfeathers business. I didn’t even know he was in town until a little bit ago.”

“I see…” It was easy to forget that Rose and Sorey often operated separately now. Rather than returning the mantle of Shepherd upon his waking, Rose had kept Lailah as her Prime Lord while Sorey now borrowed his power directly from Maotelus. It sounded like a more complicated matter than it seemed at first glance, but Alisha hadn’t pressed either of them for too many answers; she was content with knowing that they were both working hard and happily.

“It’s good to see you again,” she said warmly. “Is there something I can help you with?”

Rose smirked as she shifted her weight. “Still so formal, huh.” Before Alisha could object, Rose raised her hand to shoulder-height and left it there, as if miming that she were leaning on something. “But yeah, actually. I think. Mikleo here is the one who insisted on dropping by. He wants to talk to you.”

Blinking at the empty air, Alisha quickly nodded. “Of course.”

Thanks to Sorey’s boon during his long sleep, a channeler was no longer strictly necessary for her to speak to seraphim. As long as Alisha made contact with the seraph, she could hear them; all the same, she had quickly learned that holding hands with Mikleo made him uncomfortable, and she didn’t forget that now. She stepped forward to join hands with Rose instead, still watching the seemingly vacant space that the merchant had indicated.

“Alisha?” Mikleo’s voice was perfectly clear, close to her right side. She couldn’t help beaming.

“Mikleo! I hear you!” She hadn’t doubted Rose’s ability, but all the same, communicating with a seraph always felt like such an honor, even if she was familiar enough with him to call him friend. His voice lifted her spirits immediately. “How are you?”

“I’m well. It’s been a while.” 

“Indeed. What is it you want to speak to me about?”

A slight pause. “...It’s—nothing’s wrong, but… It’s about Sorey.”

She felt her heart skip an uncertain beat. “Sorey?” she echoed doubtfully.

“I was there when you two met this afternoon.” He hesitated again, and then added apologetically, “Just towards the end. I wasn’t eavesdropping; he knew I was there.”

She shook her head. “Of course, I would never accuse you of such a thing. Is everything alright?”

“Well… with him, yes. But I’m curious about you.”

Alisha knew her expression wavered as she stared in the direction of his voice, but her own came out sounding much more confident than she felt. “About me?”

“Alisha—” Again Mikleo wavered. When he spoke again, his tone and volume were both a little softer. “Are you sure you’re alright? I know what you told him, but…” She almost missed his quiet sigh. “He’s not an idiot, but he’s… well. As you saw, he figured out something was wrong. He just couldn’t tell what it was, so he trusted you and let it drop.”

Her hands tightened around Rose’s unconsciously and she dropped her gaze. “...And you… believe you _do_ know what it is?”

“...I might. But if I’m right, I don’t think it’s really my business to butt in. At least… that’s what I want to say.”

“But Sorey’s involved,” she murmured. So of course his best friend would step in where he was concerned, if he had figured out that much. That also explained why he’d sought out Rose as his mouthpiece.

“If you’re admitting that, then I guess my hunch was correct, after all,” he said grimly. Alisha shifted her weight, embarrassed and ashamed and unable to lift her eyes even though he was invisible. “I’m—I’m sorry if this is too personal,” he stammered quickly. “I’m not trying to pry, I just…”

“N-No, it’s… I understand. You’re concerned for him.”

“Not just him.” A short pause followed that firm reply, interrupted only when Rose suddenly spoke up.

“Look, can I say something here?” She let go and set one hand on her hip, fixing Alisha with steady look that wasn’t unkind. “I _wasn’t_ there this afternoon, wherever ‘there’ was, but I’m gonna go out on a limb here: you’re all smiles and confidence and compliments about your husband, but that’s not how you really feel, is it? You’re still not over Sorey.”

The warmth in Alisha’s cheeks flared into heat. “O-Over him? What—what are you—”

“Ugh, don’t play dumb. It’s only been obvious for forever.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Alisha brusquely. She wasn’t sure why, but Rose always seemed to bring out the worst in her in record time. There was no sense in lying, not when she’d all but admitted the truth to Mikleo already, but something about the other woman’s patronizing attitude continued to rub her the wrong way, friends or no.

“Okay, maybe not _forever,_ ” Rose conceded, her borderline-sarcasm indicating she wasn’t stopping there. “Just since he shot you down in Lastonbell.”

Alisha’s hands balled at her sides in annoyance. “He didn’t—I wasn’t—that’s—that was a political proposal—”

“Uh-huh.”

Taking a moment to gather herself, Alisha—somewhat—changed the subject. “A-Anyway—rest assured, I’ve said nothing false about Senarra. He truly is a great man and I’m honored to be his wife.”

Rose didn’t bat an eye. “But you’re not happy. Are you.” It wasn’t a question.

“I’m… I… I have every reason to be,” Alisha insisted. “I want for nothing, and I’ll be of much more use to Hyland as a duchess than I would have been as—”

“And who are you trying to convince?” Rose interrupted bluntly. “Because I sure as hell know you’re not talking to me right now.” That felt like a slap to the face. Alisha flinched. After a long moment, Rose sighed and her tone softened. “Okay. Why don’t we head inside somewhere to talk about this? I’m sure you have more than your share of prying ears hanging around lately.”

“...Yes. Please come inside, both of you.”

* * *

“Even if I had told him, it wouldn’t have made a difference. Sorey is… He doesn’t see me that way. And—and that’s fine.” Alisha smiled, but it hurt and felt far too heavy. “I could ask for no greater friend. There was no sense in spoiling what we have with my silly feelings… especially when I’m sure he wouldn’t return them.”

She and Rose were seated across from each other at a small table in the manor’s library. It served as more of a study, really, but the bookcases lining the walls and standing freely throughout the room argued the definition.

Rose glanced sideways, and then reached across to take Alisha’s hand. Immediately Mikleo asked, “Are you really so sure he wouldn’t have?”

“Sorey... knows what he wants for himself. I don’t believe that’s part of it.”

“I dunno,” Rose mused. “He does seem pretty clueless when it comes to the whole romance thing, but you make it sound like he’s incapable of it.”

“Not incapable,” said Mikleo thoughtfully, “but… well, when you’ve known him as long as I have, it comes as no surprise that he shows no interest. He’s pretty... cut-and-dry, I guess, when it comes to that subject.”

“Well, no surprise there. I figured you’d be the same way, since ruins and history are the only things you two ever pine after.”

“I don’t _pine_ after anything!”

Alisha chuckled quietly. If nothing else, these two were lifting her mood. It was nice to know she wasn’t alone. “Whatever the case, it’s simply how Sorey is. I don’t fault him for it… And I see no reason to tell him, especially now.”

Mikleo hummed briefly. “I’m inclined to agree. He would definitely feel responsible.”

“Guilty, you mean,” said Rose.

Alisha shook her head. “It’s fine. He won’t find out.”

“That’s assuming you get your act together,” Rose pointed out. “If you mope around with that kicked puppy face every time he comes around, even Sorey will put it together eventually. If he hasn’t already, that is.”

“Rose,” Mikleo objected, but she ignored him.

“If you really care about him like you say, then keeping him safe means more than just hiding the truth. You need to put effort into it, no matter how much it hurts. And if you’re really unsure of yourself? Then just stay away from him.”

_“Rose,”_ he repeated sternly, “take it easy. She’s—”

Alisha withdrew her hand, breaking the connection and silencing Mikleo’s voice.

_Stay away from him._ That really did make the most sense, didn’t it? It wasn’t as though they saw each other all that often these days, anyway, so it wouldn’t be difficult to avoid him. And yet... 

And yet Alisha wasn’t sure what scared her more: the thought of being around him and _hurting_ as badly as she did, or not seeing him at all.

_But… it isn’t about me,_ she reminded herself. She knew that Rose spoke rightly: if being around Sorey ran the risk of his finding out, and carrying the guilt of it, and anything else that might then entail… it was better—safer—for Alisha to remove herself from the picture.

“You’re right,” she said quietly. “I have no one to blame but myself if I can’t confront something as simple as my own feelings. I should—” Something cool closed around her hand.

“Alisha,” came Mikleo’s voice immediately, “I can only imagine how you must feel, but don’t just assume the worst.”

“Yeah, don’t look so bummed out,” Rose chimed in. She flashed a crooked smile. “I’m not saying you can’t ever see him again. You’re a tough girl—even if it takes a while, you’ll get over it. We just don’t need you around him while you’re still a big messy ball of emotion.”

Alisha glanced at Rose, and then at the air where she guessed Mikleo’s face would be.

_I’m not alone,_ she assured herself. She nodded. “Yes. It’s for the best—for both Sorey and myself.”

“For now,” Mikleo assured her. It was rare to hear his voice this gentle, or to earn such open concern from him. It made her smile, grateful and touched, and she gave his hand a fond squeeze.

“Thank you, Mikleo. I really do appreciate your words.”

Rose leaned forward on her elbow, chin in her hand and a grin on her face. “Aww, look who’s blushing.”

“I am _not!_ ” he snapped.

Her grin only widened, but then her expression quickly sobered as she turned back to Alisha. “Well, that takes care of Sorey. But what about you? Are you sure bottling up those feelings won’t come back to bite you?”

Alisha sighed quietly. “...Even if they do, there isn’t much to be done about it. I can only wait until this all passes.” _If_ it passed. Surely there weren’t so many songs and stories and poems about lifelong heartache if it wasn’t a true occurrence…

_“Well—”_ Rose reached across to give Alisha’s free hand a comforting pat. “I’m always up for some girl talk if you need it, y’know? Whenever you want to get something off your chest, or just talk about how clueless and frustrating men can be.”

“What do you mean _men?_ ” Mikleo objected. “I thought this was just about Sorey.”

Alisha’s quiet laugh was a genuinely mirthful one. She almost felt silly, now, having tried to take all this on by herself. She wasn’t afraid to lean on her friends for support; it was just easy to forget, sometimes, that she no longer had to do everything alone.

* * *

After they left, Alisha returned to the library. The sun had set and the maids had lit the lamps, throwing her long shadow across the room as she made her way to the large mahogany desk by the window. Her aim was the small bookcase just behind it. While the rest of the library was filled with books for studious and reference purposes—politics, history, astronomy, philosophy, theology, even some medicine and alchemy; Senarra was very well-read and learned on many subjects—the small collection here in the corner was reserved for more personal items.

Five of the six shelves were filled with the duke’s memoirs, journals, knick knacks, souvenirs from his travels, and particularly noteworthy letters from friends or colleagues or politicians, but he had emptied one for Alisha to do with as she wished, right at shoulder height. It was rather bare so far: it held her copy of the Celestial Record, her mother’s diary, and a worn, well-used book on basic lance techniques, an old gift from Maltran that she didn’t have the heart to throw out.

Alisha ignored all of these and reached for the fourth and final item on the shelf: a tall book still in pristine condition, only opened a couple of times since she’d received it. Sinking into the desk chair, she set the tome in her lap and ran her fingers over the blue cover. There was no title or author; that was found on the first page.

**__** __

_**From The Personal Memoirs of Seraph Zenrus of Elysia:  
An Account of Hyland’s Early History** _

On the following page, in a much less elegant hand, was a note:

_Alisha,_

_Congratulations on your wedding! Everyone in Elysia wishes you the best of luck, but I’m sure you don’t need it. I know you’ll do great as a duchess. The kingdoms are really lucky to have you, but not as lucky I am to call you my squire and friend._

_Thanks for everything, and well wishes in everything you do._

_-Sorey_

Alisha had memorized those words months ago, but she read them over a couple times regardless. Further down was a similar note from Mikleo, who was much less sentimental in his wording, as was expected. The gift had come late, nearly a month after the wedding, and Sorey had apologized for it profusely.

_It took a lot longer than we thought to copy it. Well, I dictated, and Mikleo actually did all the copying. We, ah, both thought it’d be a lot easier on your eyes if it wasn’t in my handwriting. Anyway, this all came straight from Gramps’ journals. He had a lot of them, so we compiled everything we found on Hyland’s history into one collection. It’s the only one of its kind._

It was an impressively thick volume. Despite Alisha’s excitement when she received it, she had yet to read it all the way through, or even make it past the first couple chapters. Every time she tried to return to it, some other business stole her away. That was her excuse, at least.

But tonight seemed like a good time to try again—and this venture seemed like a hopeful method of pushing herself along in her emotional recovery.

Small, simple steps, she’d decided. She would have to make peace with her thoughts of him long before she could trust herself in his presence.

It would take some time, but that was alright. He was worth the effort.


End file.
